Mile 2: Miscarriage

Mile 2: Miscarriage

19th November 2019 0 By amietwilliams

Life likes to throw us these little curve balls. Everything seems to be going so well – I’ve never been so fit, I’m the smallest I’ve ever been in adult life. I go to the gym every weekday after work because when you haven’t had children yet you can! I felt great.

Phil and I decided we would quite like a little family, so in 2009 we started trying. I always thought this would be easy – you always see people on TV, they just look at each other and get pregnant! Easy it was not. After 6 months of trying (lots of trying – ha!) we fell. I have never been to happy and excited. I went straight to my doctors and booked in to see the midwife.

I couldn’t contain my excitement any longer and decided to tell some of the people I worked with. Literally an hour after I told them the bleeding started. It wasn’t heavy, I wasn’t in any pain, so I waited till I saw the midwife the following week. The midwife reassured me this can be normal, so I felt excited again and everything was going to be fine.

4 weeks later we went for our first scan appointment. We couldn’t wait to see the little baby I was growing. I remember the sonographer struggling to see our baby, which seemed odd because I’d done a test weeks ago. I would have been 12 weeks or more. They eventually found our little embryo, it just looked like a little bubble. I felt sick, I knew instantly this pregnancy had failed. I cried, I felt so guilty, it must have been my fault. We were told to come back in 2 weeks and have another scan to see how much it has grown.

We went two weeks later – I was not looking forward to this appointment at all. They scanned again and it had only grown a tiny amount and I was told it was not a viable pregnancy, so I had to have a D&C (a small operation) to remove the embryo. I was devastated, inconsolable. I’m not meant to walk out this building sobbing my heart out I’m meant bounce with excitement with my picture to show the world what I’m going to be cooking for the next 6 months. As soon as we got home, I sent Phil to get me a bacon butty (we had a bakery round the corner from us that did amazing bacon butties). Food made me feel better. I literally swallowed a mouthful and the hospital called to say they could fit me in that afternoon as long as I hadn’t eaten – doh!! – just my luck.

A few days later I went into hospital to have the operation. This was the worst experience of my life. I remember being told Phil, my husband couldn’t stay so he went back to work. All the other women on the ward had their partners with them. I wanted Phil and I was stuck on my own. Then you’re walked down to the theatre – the same theatre where they deliver babies, yep, that’s right, I’ve just lost my baby and I’ve been sat on a chair waiting to be brought through for my D&C, and I see women go past holding their little babies they were able to carry for 9 months. I then hear another baby being delivered and everyone sound so excited and happy. I still sat there by myself waiting to go in.

I have never felt so guilty about anything in my life. I failed this little baby; I wasn’t able to nourish it help it grow into my special little baby. I lost all interest in running, the gym, eating healthy. I blamed it all on my habits to stay fit and healthy. I still carried on running but the enjoyment was gone.

We were told that we could carry on trying straight after, so we did nothing. I remember a really good friend of mine saying don’t worry it will take 6 months, once your body’s ready you’ll get pregnant. Well she was only bloody right; dead-on 6 months, we were pregnant again!! We didn’t actually believe it to begin with, so by the time I went for our first scan I was already 14 weeks and I was soooo relieved when they swiped that wand over my belly, and we saw her straight away, as clear as day, our little precious baby. I did not do any, and I mean nothing exercise related while I was pregnant this time, I put all my effort into growing our baby.

I do realise now that miscarriages happen all the time, and it wasn’t my fault or exercise that caused my miscarriage, but this is how I coped, and I did the same for all 3 pregnancies. Sometimes you just have to do what’s right for you.